LONDON - Scotland Yard officials have admitted to electronically bugging the meeting place of two ostensibly feuding former "vampire hunters" located in a crypt beneath Highgate Cemetary. Surreptitious recordings made by police bring to light what many have suspected all along - Bishop Bonkers and David Farrant have been closely cooperating in a business partnership for over three decades. One transcript reveals the pair advising a newcomer on how to obtain publicity: Barbara Green: Hells Bells! I had no idea you boys had such a posh private club to yourselves...
Bonkers: (Laughs) Did you notice it's cleverly made up to look like a rotted tomb on the outside? Keeps the unsuspecting public out.
Farrant: It's mostly Sean's work. Look, that's the original orange shag carpet.
Bonkers: And many a girl was "shagged" on it, I can tell you! (Laughter from both)
Farrant: Fitted the place out himself in the 1970s. A bloody handyman he is. I'm no good with tools.
Barbara: Well I do appreciate you taking me into your confidence to lend me some advice on my enterprise...
Bonkers: Yes, well Barbara, regarding your Robin Hood scam, you're going about it all wrong, see?
Farrant: In terms of publicity, you got very little so far...
Bonkers: You’d get more if you were arrested for dropping pigeon shit on the ground! (All laugh heartily)
Barbara: I've tried to stir up rumours about vampires, ghosts, MI5 conspiracy...
Bonkers: Well the MI5 bit sounds promising if you can play it right. Have you thought of scattering some old bones about the property?
Barbara: I may be able to come by some cat bones...
Farrant: Sean, what about a duel? You know, have her "slain" by one of the Kirklees locals...
Barbara: A cap doffer!
Farrant: "Tragically silenced just as she was about to uncover their secret"...something of that nature....
Bonkers: No, no...that ballsed-up "duel" business was lame when we did it. Don't do a duel. Get yourself arrested.
Farrant: Right, a big trial, covered by all the newspapers. We can help you with that.
Barbara: I don't fancy going to a dickipoggy old gaol, I'm a lady you know.
Bonkers: A mere technicality...
Farrant: Leave it to us.
Bonkers: But first, a spot of tea m'dear?
Barbara: Oooh, lovely. And what a cunning tea cosy...
Bonkers: (Laughs) Did you notice it's cleverly made up to look like a rotted tomb on the outside? Keeps the unsuspecting public out.
Farrant: It's mostly Sean's work. Look, that's the original orange shag carpet.
Bonkers: And many a girl was "shagged" on it, I can tell you! (Laughter from both)
Farrant: Fitted the place out himself in the 1970s. A bloody handyman he is. I'm no good with tools.
Barbara: Well I do appreciate you taking me into your confidence to lend me some advice on my enterprise...
Bonkers: Yes, well Barbara, regarding your Robin Hood scam, you're going about it all wrong, see?
Farrant: In terms of publicity, you got very little so far...
Bonkers: You’d get more if you were arrested for dropping pigeon shit on the ground! (All laugh heartily)
Barbara: I've tried to stir up rumours about vampires, ghosts, MI5 conspiracy...
Bonkers: Well the MI5 bit sounds promising if you can play it right. Have you thought of scattering some old bones about the property?
Barbara: I may be able to come by some cat bones...
Farrant: Sean, what about a duel? You know, have her "slain" by one of the Kirklees locals...
Barbara: A cap doffer!
Farrant: "Tragically silenced just as she was about to uncover their secret"...something of that nature....
Bonkers: No, no...that ballsed-up "duel" business was lame when we did it. Don't do a duel. Get yourself arrested.
Farrant: Right, a big trial, covered by all the newspapers. We can help you with that.
Barbara: I don't fancy going to a dickipoggy old gaol, I'm a lady you know.
Bonkers: A mere technicality...
Farrant: Leave it to us.
Bonkers: But first, a spot of tea m'dear?
Barbara: Oooh, lovely. And what a cunning tea cosy...
(To be continued)
4 comments:
haha, very funny!
However, you've got it a teeny weeny but wrong as usual, your purriness. I didn't "stir up " any rumours, I collected the information that was already there, it was nothing to do with me all the stuff that was happening. I collected the information and published it. Not my fault if everyone was up to dickipoggy capers.
That's called research.
You got one thing right, Cat. Those tapes! They are the 'final nail' in the old boy's coffin, so to speak!
And just to think, it was the great David Farrant who secretly recorded him!
He can't get out of those really. Unless he wants to call himself a liar!
David Farrant
NB And just for the record, I did not really wish to post here as "Anonymous", but for some reason my Google account number isn't registering at the moment.
David Farant
Well this si what I think!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwrJOi90St0&feature=related
have a laugh folks!
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