Feud Level at All Time Low

The 2009 holiday season has passed with no freak-outs, fights, dust-up's, groundbreaking reconciliations or major revelations concerning the Terrible Two. The Cat's Miaow saw declarations of boredom from both parties. Even the dialogue on Andrew Gough's Arcadia forum has gone from tempestuous to tame with the Bishop withdrawing from the fray. What's next for England's longest running feud? Absolutely nothing?

Fancy a Pint?

Rumour has it David Farrant and "Demonologist" will be sharing more than verbal barbs in the near future. The two are this (holds fingers 5mm apart) close to meeting for a friendly beer in the cozy interior of Highgate's Woodman Pub. The only question is who will pick up the tab?

Squabbling Crashes Arcadia

Visitors to Andrew Gough's Arcadia looking for its forums got an error message instead today. IT managers say the crash was due to unrelenting arguments in the "Highgate Vampire" thread, particularly the actions of one user. "If you keep asking the same question over and over," said a spokesman, "eventually the 1's and 0's will undergo a catastrophic failure".

Side by Side! (actually, Farrant on Top)

Andrew Gough has done it again. Barely two weeks after he shattered precedent by cajoling the Bishop into appearing alongside arch-rival David Farrant on his forums, the bollocky impresario of Arcadia has published 17 Questions With David Farrant to go along with the Bishop's 17 Questions interview.

Astute Feud Followers marvel that the Bishop's long standing rule of never appearing in the same venue with Farrant has been thoroughly bent and nigh well busted for good. Not since 1970 have our Terrible Twosome voluntarily appeared on the same page together. What does it mean? Are they getting too old to fight? And what comes next? Friendship? Pub crawls together? Who knows what would happen then. Pages full of dizzy website arguments would vanish. The Cat's Miaow would close its doors. Young men in Australia would languish. Ceramic cup-makers children would go hungry. It's too terrible to think about!

BPOS To Market Tea Cosy

The BPOS announced that it plans to offer a series of household products by mail order, including a tea cosy specially manufactured in festive ecclesiastical colours, lovingly embroidered with the BPOS logo. "Our fans fancy a spot of tea now and again" said a spokesperson, "and why not give them something to enjoy it with?", adding that those wishing to order a BPOS teapot cosy may leave their requests on the bulletin board outside the Jackson Lane Community Centre on Archway Road.

Bonky Bails Out

After nearly two weeks of cohabiting Andrew Gough's Arcadia forum with David Farrant, the bishop has fled. Regarding the bishop's sudden exit, forum members observed:

"The contrast between (the bishop's) demeanour on this forum and that of David Farrant, who has answered sometimes very personal questions with candour, gentleness and humility, is very noticeable."

"Is the bishop usually this rude to people he doesn't know?"

"From what I have seen, Mr. Farrant shows himself to at least be a gentleman. I guess 'manners 101' was not one of the courses in bishop school."

A tip for the bishop: try a different signature photo. The one of you looking away from the camera makes you appear stand-offish and remote. We also wonder if David was taught his manners in 'Witch School', and if you might be able to audit the class?

London Police Probe 30 Year Old Mystery

Did a bicycle seat sniffer walk in Highgate? London police are still baffled by strange behaviour that occurred in Muswell Hill more than 30 years ago. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of bicycle seats were sniffed by dead of night during the 1970s, say investigators. Local resident David Farrant happened to capture a photo of the elusive suspect. "I was in my flat, testing my camera near the window," he recalls, "when suddenly I saw a strange man peering in at me. I jumped from fright, and must have hit the shutter." The resulting grainy photo remains the only link in the case to this day. "Bicycle seat sniffing is not a crime," said a police spokesperson, "however we'd like to apprehend this individual for his own safety."

The Cup that Cheers

LONDON (UPI) Man-about-Soho, occult author and BPOS member Gareth Medway announced results of his latest research this week. Medway described the discovery of "large amounts of psychic energy residing in a cup of tea." Well-known for his reckless investigation of Fortean matters and whipcracking wit, Medway says he stumbled upon the strange effect while at a friend's house. "I was about to take a sip when I noticed steam wafting from the cup had begun mysteriously forming alphabetic letters...B...O...N...and so forth. I think the bloody thing was trying to communicate something!" He plans to expand on his startling theories in a new book entitled, "Lure of the Sechung".

David & Bonky Mix It Up...Sort Of

'Terrible Two' Separated
Andrew Gough's Arcadia forum was the place to be this weekend as David Farrant was forcefully ejected from a thread containing the Bishop. "This forum thread is big enough for one vampire hunter and one vampire hunter only" said Gough after putting up a "reserved" sign that excluded Farrant from the discussion. "I don't really mind letting him have that thread to himself," commented Farrant, "but I would first wish him to answer the question of how he was able to publish a photo of a 'blood-sucking vampire' especially since they supposedly cast no shadow nor any reflection."

A Chance Meeting
However the feuding pair were eventually destined to clash in public, caught on surveillance camera late Sunday evening as they shopped for wine in the aisles of a London off-licence. A partial transcript of the surveillance tape audio:

Bishop: "YOU again? Must you follow me EVERYWHERE you (unintelligible) obsessive (unintelligible)?"
Farrant: "ME? I'm just here for a bottle of wine. YOU'RE the one who's obsessed, (unintelligible)!"
Bishop: "Keep to your own aisle, (unintelligible) or I'll (unintelligible) (unintelligible) solicitor (unintelligible)!"
Farrant: "I'll stand in ANY aisle I PLEASE, (unintelligible) prat (unintelligible) bell end (unintelligible)!"

Unequal Impressions
The two went on to make separate but unequal impressions in Andrew Gough's Arcadia Forum. By late Monday, it was clear the Battling Bishop had mired himself in matters of protocol, pedantry, and imagined slights. By contrast, Farrant drew a number of gently abstract questions about "life" from the women of the forum, many of whom posted images of small, pink hearts and wished him Godspeed. "Farrant's a witch I tells ye," angrily remarked one of the Bishop's supporters, "e' put the Devil's charm on them wimmin, and e' cast a spell on Gough's forum, that's no error, no zur!"

Farrant & Bishop Accidentally Collide

• Critics say Bishop "disoriented"
Well, it had to happen sometime. Eternal "arch enemies" David Farrant and his nemesis the Bishop (as his uncloaked self) turned up in the same internet forum at the same time. Andrew Gough's Arcadia discussion Zone was the scene of the bizarre collision earlier today that caused many to wonder if the Bishop's stated policy of refusing to appear in the same venue as Farrant had lapsed. "The Bishop appears disoriented", complained one pundit, leading to speculation that an error in geriatric medications could be to blame for the historic "joint appearance" of the two lifelong foes.

• Bishop's posts tied to cache of dodgy photos
Strangest of all, since the Bishop's own pasted-in "glamour" photo accompanied his every post, alert computer nerds and IT boffins quickly sussed the web address from which it linked and originated: (http://www.holygrail-church.fsnet.co.uk/FarrantFacts_files/image002.jpg). They soon discovered the "root directory" where the photo resides to be a virtual cesspit of anti-Farrant graphic materials: (http://www.holygrail-church.fsnet.co.uk/FarrantFacts_files). When asked why a Most Holy Bishop who has historically professed to be uninvolved in anti-Farrant internet shenanigans or His Church (inspired by visions of a bleeding Jesus standing in a giant cup) would need such uncharitable files, the Bishop's spokespersons remarked, "No doubt some malefic entity planted these files to 'frame' His Excellency, such as a creature from outer space or perhaps even another dimension who is surely in league with Farrant."

• Sudden News Blackout
Less than 24 hours after news of the unprecedented meeting leaked, forum master Andrew Gough was forced to draw a cloak of secrecy over the proceedings by restricting access to the topic to a select few. "The Bishop made me agree to some bizarre conditions," he confessed, "among them, he requires that I kneel as I type."

The sudden news blackout prompted a rash of speculation. One source commented, "I reckon the Bishop is undergoing a 'PR makeover' by his handlers. They want to make him appear more friendly and less foreboding. You'll see all that tosh about 'call me Bishop' disappear and a new 'average Joe' personality come out."

Others felt that Gough had no choice but to remove the discussion from public view. One story circulated that Farrant's evil minions were tasked to send Andrew a voodoo doll, but the minions bungled the job, sending a plastic blow up doll from a local 'sex shop' instead. Another tale had the Bishop's solicitors on Gough's doorstep demanding a £10,000 "personal appearance fee".

• Access Restored
After nightfall, unrestricted access to Arcadia's forums reappeared as mysteriously as it had earlier vanished. The formerly cheeky Farrant returned to the forums appearing bruised and battered, promising "not to interact" with the Bishop. A post where he jokingly called the Bishop "Arminious" was deleted. His Excellency's sense of humour remained conspicuously absent. Given all the gratuitous genuflecting, is Gough the new heavy in this drama?

• Waiting for the Fracas to Commence
Observers say the mood is polite, yet many are merely awaiting the first volley to be fired. Most agree hostilities will officially begin when the Bishop's "hit men" post the first anti-Farrant news cutting (several have wagered it will be the ever-popular "sex mad witch" story).

Secret Code - Busted!

Wondering why the bishop recently called David's attention to a page of seemingly innocuous verse? These sentimental musings (reproduced on the left) are all from classical poets, but they conceal a private communication in a secret code that rivals the cloak-and-dagger spy novels of Ian Fleming. Here's how it works.

They simply add each others birthdays together - and multiply by the number of letters in a key word, in this case H-O-L-L-O-W-A-Y. The resulting decimal string (1820505152...etc.) tells them that the 1st, 8th, 20th, 50th, etc. words form the text of the actual secret message.

Simply circle the words in the correct order, and voila, there it is:

I REALIZED I WAS A FOOL. SPEAK SOON. WEST WE'LL FIND TRUTH. JOURNEY.

This is obviously a conciliatory message to David, instructing him that a meeting will take place soon at a location in the "west" to which they'll "journey".

Are we witnessing the end of the 30 year feud...or a new more bizarre chapter of it?

Newspaper Editor: "We played it for laughs"

Can't find any independent witnesses for the youthful antics of The Terrible Two? Look to book reviewer Gerald Isaaman of The Camden New Journal and his 29, January 2009 review of "London Lore". Turns out Gerald was the editor of Ham & High in March of 1970 when the photo on the left was printed.

"What caught my attention was the (chapter in London Lore) about Highgate Cemetery, which recounts the story of the Highgate Vampire and is attributed to 1970 reports in the Ham & High, where I was then the editor."

"What nonsense it all was – and, indeed, still is: two of the major competing figures involved, David Farrant and Sean Manchester, have websites making enduring vampire claims."

"It all started innocently enough when the paper received a letter about ghosts, which was published with a note beneath, inviting readers to send in their ghost experiences. And in they poured. Up popped David Farrant with his tale of “Ghostly Walks in Highgate”, revealing three occasions when he saw, just outside the cemetery gates, a “ghostly dark figure in Swains Lane” with “hypnotic red eyes”"

"Among them too was a challenge to David Farrant from Sean Manchester, another vampire hunter, who claimed that “a King Vampire of the Undead” was to blame. It seems a medieval nobleman who practised black magic in Wallachia had been brought to England in a coffin which was buried in Highgate Cemetery. Manchester arrived at the office wearing a black cloak lined with scarlet silk and carrying a cane, as if he was about to transform himself into Dracula. It was a real hoot, and we played the story for laughs."

A cloak with scarlet silk? Over to you, boys.

Locked in Murderous Absurdity

From Mullock's Specialist Auctioneers and Valuers catalog:

Historical Document - Lot Number 71 - Auction Date 25/06/09. Witchcraft - the Manchester/Farrant duel an original poster issued in 1978 advertising what was to become the clash of the wizards in Highgate Wood London. The event was to be the final showdown between two occultists Sean Manchester billed in the poster as 'Grand Master of the Occult' and Farrant billed as 'High Priest of Witchcraft'. '...Locked in murderous absurdity Britain's most infamous magicians intend to resolve their feud to the death at Queen's Wood Highgate 18th August 1978' This particular copy was retrieved by a Police officer with his original report on the back : '...I saw Farrant on Sunday 6/8/78 at about 10am putting up one of the posters advertising the event on the notice board outside Jackson Lane Community Centre Archway Road. I was unable to retrieve it as he had glued it on.' Together with a copy of the Highgate Wood bye laws (rare) and various press cuttings relating to the incident. This incident which seems like coming straight out of a 'Harry Potter' movie arose out of the belief in the late 1960s among a group of young people that there was something sinister in Highgate Woods cemetery in North London - at that time a rambling eerie overgrown Victorian cemetery evoking all the necessary images which were prevalent in the popular 'Hammer Horror' movies of the time. Both Manchester and Farrant claimed that there was a real Vampire existing in the cemetery but their varying approaches to the claims led them to become rivals. Manchester even claimed that he had sought it out and disposed of it by the time honoured Bram Stoker method of driving a wooden stake through its heart. This led to the decision between the two of them to have some sort of showdown in Highgate Woods. Unfortunately for them the Police were wise to the whole thing - not really difficult to see how as these posters were being put up everywhere - and they staked out the woods. Before the two major parties could get going however the undercover policemen were rumbled and the whole thing was called off. Price £70 to £100.

Nice calligraphy. Bottom line (cut off) reads, "Irreconcilable differences and a fatal obsession with honour bring the two occultists together". Would both our distinguished guests (who happen to be in attendance) care to comment?

Hell Fire Set to Host "Battle of Vampire Hunters"

One of our sponsors came up with a rather unique proposal to resolve the Highgate "feud": a charity exhibition held at Manchester's gothic-themed Hell Fire club.

"Farrant and the Bishop can have a go at each other in a boxing ring, they can debate, or even have a foot race if they like. We're open to what ever they want to do," Hell Fire's manager Peter Gibbon explained, "we're keen to host a competition between England's famous vampire hunters with the proceeds going to a charity of their choice." Gibbon said local shock rockers Al B. Damned and sexy entertainers The Glitter Kittens have also expressed interest in the programme.

Confuse Me Not

David & Bonky's "history" confuses me no end. I sketched up a quick "time line" of their "relationship". I wonder if David and "Arminius" might care to help me sort it out:

1967 - David & Bonky first contact
1969 - David & Bonky first meetings
1970 - David's first arrest
1970 - David and Bonky joint TV/news interviews
1970 - The Bradish Incident - origin of "the feud"?
1971 - Bonky investigates Satanism
1972 - David's second arrest
1973 - David & Bonky "Horned God" fire incident
1974 - David's 3rd arrest, prison sentence
1975 - Bonky visits David in prison
1976 - David released from prison
1976 - First "magical duel"
1978 - David & Bonky "sword duel"
1982 - Bonky stakes "vampire spider"
1984 - Second "magical duel"
1985 - Bonky's first book
1986 - Bonky & David's last face to face meeting
1991 - David's first book
1992 - David & Bonky "truce"
1996 - "Truce" ends

Comments in this thread are closed to all except David & Arminius. Let's see what happens without the constant slagging from others to distract them. Maybe a breakthrough? I doubt it. But it'll be entertaining.

Holding Tank

Comment on the commenters, whinge and fuss, calumnify, or go off on tangents here.

Arminius Gone Wild

The internet is abuzz with news of Bonky's latest David Farrant fan site. Seen here, it's got all the usual hilarious Farrant-is-the-embodiment-of-evil stuff, but with a twist: it briefly featured a fleeting glimpse (posted by accident and quickly removed?) of a photo depicting a clay bust of the Bonky One himself. Rumour is that Bonky Church members are required to worship this sculpted likeness or be penalized with chores, such as cleaning out the loo!

Bonky Goes For Guinness Record

Freshly ejected from the Cat's Miaow, Bishop Bonkers announced his intention to win the Guinness Book's "All Time Internet Banned" record. Competition is expected to be fierce. "I've got a good technique" remarked the pouting prelate, "Cut and paste is only half the secret. I can get banned from 3 forums within 24 hours if I put me mind to it." A partial list of forums and websites where Bonky, in one guise or another, has already caused a discussion to be closed or himself to have been temporarily or permanently blocked or banned:

• Alex Lucard's Icon. Showstoppah. Main eventah.
• Amcgltd.com
• Basceptic.blogspot.com
• Bizarre Abyss EZboard
• Blue Boar Inn Robin Hood Discussion Forum
• Casebook.org
• Dark Matters Radio
• Darkness.com forum
• The Dorset Echo
• Fortean Times website
• Fortean Times on Facebook
• Hecklerspray.com
• James Randi Educational Forum
• Mindsetcentral.com
• Mysterymag.com Forum
• Nocturnal Frequency Radio
• Net Curtains Lurkers website
• Net Curtains Lurkers on Facebook
• Occultforum.org
• The Paracast
• Portal Of Evil forum
• Righteous Indignation podcast website
• Righteous Indignation on Facebook
• Robinhood.info Forum
• TheSleaze.co.uk
• Thevampyres.blogspot.com
• Youtube
• Wikipedia

NB: Wow. He may already have the record! I'll keep adding others to the list as I am able to verify them.

Professional Counseling by Grigory Alekseev

In the interests of calming the general chaos and strife found in the comments sections of The Cat's Miaow, we are featuring free psychiatric counseling by Grigory Alekseev. Grigory is currently enrolled in a correspondence program in Psychology at Yaroslavl State University. (No, he's not a licenced counselor or even a doctor. What did you expect? That I'd pay a *real* doctor? Ha! Fat chance! Look. Stop complaining. At least I'm trying)

24 Octover

Greetings comradeskis. Please to bear with me english is not my language first. I am review material provide by Baldy Cat regarding to feud of Mr. David and Mr. Bunkers Bishop. I believe can I mitigate dysfunction here. On this blog I see many signs of what you call mad or perhaps cloud cuckoo-land behaviors but primary analysis may I confine to personalities argue in comments. I will analyse examples and give the feed you back.

"No wonder so many people feel sorry for you, but I feel no pity at all. You disgust me!" - say Mr. Anonymous

Mr. Anonymous very hostile. I suggest obtain small pet such as bird or squirrel and attempt develop empathy will be transferred to human being over time.

"If you are really so niave that you can't see this; then you are the one with a serious problem, not myself!" say Mr. David

Mr. David stop please your shouting. Peoples to feel put off. May be attempt to understand how other has feelings. Company of small animal such as bird can downcrease diastolic pressure of blood. Also help clean crumbs from table.

"At least i have the balls to post using my real name u hypocritical bell end." - say Mr. Craigbond

Mr. Craigbond refers to shape of human penis; with relation to curvilenear of bell. Not wholesome. Suggest company of woman or small bird.

"When I look at my comments, I'm astounded at my ability to enter into dialogue and then take over." -say Carrol

Mrs. Carrol it is good and healthy sign you look at comments by your own. You have strong view which is appropriate on planet outside present solar system. Thus communication is be impaired considerably. Also true, small pet (bird would be ideal) can obtain curb violence of speech and foster companion feelings similar to normal human.

Grigory
ригорий

Farrant Will Take Demonic Possession Test

In an effort to allay rumours that he is merely "an empty shell possessed by demons", ex-vampire hunter David Farrant has agreed to allow representatives of Bishop Bonkers to be present during a series of scientific tests conducted at his Muswell Hill flat designed to determine if he is actually infested with demons. The test protocols will be modeled on 9 "indications of possession" contained in "Testing Demonic Possession" by Dr. James C. Patterson II, MEDD, PhD...

1. Trance states with no recollection of them. - David will be asked to name the pub he was in last night, who bought him drinks, and how many pints he consumed.

2. Vocalizations of a derogatory, blasphemous, and insulting nature in voices different from the subject's. - David will be shown a copy of "The Highgate Vampire" and asked his opinion of the author. His response will be tape recorded and analysed for vocal anomalies.

3. Use of unusual languages previously unknown to the subject. - David will be asked to respond to questions of a personal nature using an authentic Yorkshire dialect.

4. Psychic knowledge of events, places, and actions of others outside the possible realm of the subject's awareness. - David will be asked to predict whether a local shop is out of his brand of cheap cigarettes.

5. Large temperature changes. - A beef steak wrapped in silver foil will be affixed to David's chest with sello tape. At the end of 30 minutes, volunteers will eat the steak and report whether it is raw, medium, or well done.

6. Movement of objects on bookshelves by invisible force. - Copies of "From Satan to Christ" and "Dark Secrets" will be placed side by side on a tall bookshelf and any movement observed by video camera recording.

7. Unusual strength during the exorcism. - David's ability to lift glasses of gin of varying fullness and weight from table height to mouth height will be tested.

8. Strong reaction to holy water. - David will don a pair of cheese cloth knickers soaked in Holy Water. Any discomfort (or arousal) will be noted.

9. Levitation. - An attractive female volunteer of legal age will be positioned on David's lap. For control purposes, both subjects will be nude. Any anomalous up or down movement will be noted.

Bonkers fans vow to "take measures" against Farrant

Need to incite emotionally unstable religious fanatics into action? Vampire Research Society's Arminius Vámbéry is the guy who knows how to get it done. Consider this exchange recently posted on the group's Facebook page discussion forum:

Vambery: Farrant is an almost empty shell possessed by demons. It is those demons who are a force to be reckoned with...(followed by long explanation of how Farrant is almost completely made up of evil demons)

Edwin Blackwood: For one so infested with demons, would it not be prudent to take, shall we say, unorthodox measures...

Vambery: What are you suggesting? Please try and be a little more specific.

Edwin Blackwood: Circumlocution? It would seem to me that you have an enemy who is, as you infer, a roiling mass of demons. Take measures as your faith dictates.

Vambery later commented off the record, "No, no, no. I wasn't advocating Farrant be harmed in any way, I was merely observing that he's an empty shell full of demons, and a silver bullet or a stake dipped in holy water for example, when introduced into the region of his mid thorax by an individual blessed by the Holy Spirit, should, in theory, only affect the demons."

Bishop Celebrates 195th Web Page

With the launch of his "I Hate David Farrant Blogspot" earlier this week, Bishop Bonkers celebrated a significant career milestone: his 195th web page vilifying arch rival David Farrant. "Most people don't realise that I was one of the early pioneers of Internet attack pages" commented His Excellency, "Indeed my very first effort, the "Farrant Is An Evil Wanker" page came out in May of 1997. Of course before the Internet, all we had was printed pamphlets. No bloody good they are cos' you can't change 'em if you're caught making something up. When it comes to feuding, I'll stick with the web"

Farrant Will Grant "Fan" Request

Dogged by continuing controversy over his hair colour, former Highgate vampire hunter David Farrant has agreed to meet an obsessive American fan known only as "Carol" who recently stated her intention to travel all the way to London from her small Midwestern town in the US in order to clip a lock of his hair.

In an entry on her blog, she cites the cryptic reason behind her journey: "I think he's a phony who has to dye."

"I suggested she be waiting outside my flat late at night when I come home from the pub and have shears or perhaps a sharp knife with her" advised the hapless Farrant, adding, "She also asked if I could autograph a book for her, Catcher In The Rye if I remember correctly, though for what reason I cannot imagine."

It's Art

Cecil Lamont-Dwiggins just sent me his latest creation, a color illustration that depicts Bonky and David doing what they do best. And it sure looks like David is getting the worst of it. Wow! "Is David being overpowered, or has he cast a spell on Bonky making him unable to let go?" was Cecil's only comment. Pretty deep, huh? He also says he hasn't decided if this piece is to be a tea mug, T-shirt...or maybe something else. In the meantime, enjoy.

Update: OMG! --------------------------->

Feud To The Last Drop

If you're having trouble keeping track of the Farrant vs. Bonky internet feud lately, you're not alone. From Wikipedia to AOL, these guys have hurled more bytes than Bill Gates. Rather than sip tea together, they recently decided to shift their online war into overdrive. The pair were last sighted slugging it out on eBay, where the Bishop bid on a Jonas Brothers T-shirt and pledged his eternal soul to Farrant's undoing, saying:

"To the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

And just in case you were wondering what he's got planned for the year ahead, here's a clue:

"I'll chase him round the pages of Facebook and round Blogspot and Wordpress and round perdition's flames before I give him up!"

Tea For Two

Well, I never imagined I'd be paying a compliment to that insufferable know-it-all, Cousin Hoggy, but here I go. The ambitious young lad from down under has managed to get Bishop Bonkers himself to agree to take tea with arch-rival David Farrant.

Of course, certain obstacles must be overcome. The Bishop insists they meet alone at his seaside retreat. Farrant insists that all the bishop's various internet aliases be present. Neither wants to be the first to pick up the telephone and initiate a chat.

One reason may be that these two old war-horses have been through this drill before. Various "peace treaties" have been signed and broken. Another reason may be simple inertia: more than 20 years have elapsed since they last met face to face. "The entertainment world is full of silly artistic rivalries", ex-Beatle Paul McCartney once cautioned, "In my case, I wish we'd settled our differences and gotten together one last time. Of course, now it's too late."

Farrant Has His Head Examined

In an attempt to address burgeoning internet rumours that he dyes his hair, former "White Witch" David Farrant underwent a voluntary examination at the laboratories of the Royal Society this week. "After analysing a sample of Mr. Farrant's hair under 200-times magnification," said an unnamed expert, "I must conclude it is not artificially dyed. However we did find high trace amounts of Tesco beer, tobacco, dried prunes, and cheap French perfume -- which could account for its rather odd colouring"

Interview With The Highgate Vampire

Exclusive to The Cat's Miaow, an interview with the actual Highgate Vampire.









Q: Where have you been all these years?

A: I've been away in Spain. I have a small vineyard there that I'm absolutely devoted to. We produce an exquisite red wine. I'll get you a bottle.

Q: Well, now the big question. There are a lot of claims about who was the first to "discover" you back in the 70s. So who was it? Manchester or Farrant?

A: Actually, it was Ray Davies.

Q: Ray Davies? Of The Kinks?

A: The very same. He lived nearby and used to wander the cemetery after dark. One night we had a splendid chat about the music business, after which I bit him, and he's been a secret member of the undead ever since. And notice how good he looks for his age? That ain't cosmetic surgery. By the way, did you know he used to write songs for Herman's Hermits? Dreadful stuff...

Q: Yes, yes, enough about Ray Davies. So, did you ever have any contact with Farrant or Manchester at all?

A: I never encountered Farrant personally, but I did catch sight of him coming out of a pub and staggering along Swains Lane, three sheets to the wind, so to speak. Manchester was quite a pest, though. Always hanging around tombs and such with cameras. Had a thing for taking photos of himself in fancy dress costumes. One time I tried to dissuade him from lurking about my crypt by metamorphosising into a giant spider.

Q: What!? The giant spider story is true?

A: How else could I put him off? I heard later he used the incident in a book. Had some bird mixed up in it. Quite an imagination on that bloke.

Q: So he never drove a stake into you?

A: No, (laughs) not even close.

Q: What do you have to say to the people making money off your story? Does it bother you?

A: They're not making much with those self published books, I can assure you. Myself, I'm not one to seek publicity. Look what happened with Dracula. Movies. Comic books. Halloween costume royalties. It ruined the poor sod. I'll stay in the shadows, thank you very much. Let those two nerks fight it out tooth and nail. They appear to enjoy scrapping don't they?

Q: I think they do.

Farrant: "He burnt my Horned God poster!"

After many years, former Wiccan high priest David Farrant is still fuming over a visitors careless behavior:

"One time in the 1970s, Bonky came over and left a lit fag end on my altar. Before I knew it, the bloody thing caught fire! It burnt up a big poster print of The Horned God I had on the wall and ruined some ceremonial daggers and such. I covered up the hole with some flower patterned wall decor that was on sale at Marks & Spencer, but it ain't the same as The Horned God. How can I get girls to take their tops off if I don't have the proper demonic imagery, I ask you? The stupid burke. He owes me money for what he done."

Open Wrestling Ring

IN THE RED TRUNKS: weighing in at 9 stone, the Mauler from Muswell Hill, David Farrant.

IN THE BLUE TRUNKS: weight unknown, standing in for Sean Manchester, the Masked Marvel from the Internet, Demonologist.

RULES: submit convincing evidence your opponent is a fraud and liar. Limit is... NO LIMIT! The match goes on...100 posts...200 posts...300 posts...until the last man standing is declared.

(Bell sound): DING!

Armi Of Socks Prefer Cat's Blog

Bonky alter egos Arminius Vámbéry/Demonologist/Vampirologist prefer The Cat's Miaow blog 2 to 1 over such forums as Net Knickers Lurkers and Dark Natterings. "I...erm...we have found a home here," said the puppetmastering prelate, "The others ask too many questions. The Cat's Miaow is funny and intelligently written. It's a great spot to spar with David on neutral ground. Well, as neutral as can be hoped. They're all in league with Farrant you know."

Farrant to Model for Trench Coat Adverts

LONDON - Famous clothing maker Burberry has contracted ex-vampire-hunter David Farrant to appear in ads for a line of clothing based on his signature trench coat. A company spokesperson said, "Mr. Farrant's choice of outerwear represents a unique celebration of the rich Burberry heritage" adding, "It was either him or Frank Spencer."

Farrant Rates Women of the World

-- French sexpots get high marks

"American women tend to be far more outspoken than English girls" says Highgate heartthrob David Farrant. When asked his opinion of the stereotypical English Rose, he confessed that, "I am wary of girls who are so ’sweet and sugary’ as it often turns out they have a ‘mean streak’ inside." Not surprisingly, he admits a weakness for females from La Belle France: "French girls are less artificial than English and American girls. They enjoy good food -- and they enjoy good sex."

Lads: 200 comments per page is the Blogspot limit, so you must now scroll to the bottom of the 200th and click on "newest" to view the most recent posts to this topic. Enjoy.

Green: "I will sacrifice cat on BBC1"

Occult authoress Barbara Green has announced she will sacrifice a cat atop a Queen Anne dressing table during an upcoming episode of BBC1's Bargain Hunt. "Forsooth, I am reduced to this," said the ambitious Yorkshirewoman, "on account of it's been a donkeys age since I got any publicity, dickipoggy or otherwise." Sources inside the show say that Ms. Green does not actually intend to harm the cat, she will merely make it rather uncomfortable via a tedious retelling of the Robin Hood legend.

"Farrant's Foot Possessed" Says Bishop

Bishop Bonkers recently commented on his arch rival David Farrant's well-known foot troubles, saying, "It won't do him any good soaking the bloody thing in vinegar. Satan's got hold of it, and it's wanting an exorcism. Probably suffering from a demonic boil. At the very least I'd offer to lance it."

Comically Accurate

We'll Try Anything (Once)

In the interests of less hysterical and more civil communication with the bishop, we thought we'd try a brand new approach here on The Cat's Miaow: go along with it. We'll actually kneel down, make the sign of the cross, and use his title when addressing him. So here goes. First question:

Your Holiness, when you say David Farrant is possessed by demons, which demons specifically? Are they little red devils with pitchforks? Or satanic-looking imps? And how do they manifest?

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost, amen.

PS: What about that Gothic Press shipping label, your Holiness? And the absence of documentation for your KCMG?

Dominus Vobiscum.

Farrant Plans "Major Revelations" On Other Blog

Sources tell us that the infamous Net Knickers Lurkers blog will shortly publish an exclusive new "list" from David Farrant. "If you think I can't be controversial, just watch!" commented the author. The article content - of which Net Knickers has promised to "publish unabridged" - is rumoured to place the bonky bishop in a most unflattering light.

Bishop's Birthday Party Ends In Chaos

A certain cottage on the cliffs of Bournemouth remains strewn with wreckage following the Bishop's recent birthday bash. More than a week has passed, yet attendees (calling themselves "the wild bunch") still linger about the property in various states of inebriation. "One night we were keen to have a bonfire," recalled a party-goer, "so we lit the rubbish bin on fire and gathered round it to chant David Farrant's name." A jolly time was had by all, until "the bishop discovered someone had accidentally heaved his holy vestments into the fire, and he went mad. The poor sod began chasing us about the cottage with one of his antique swords. His wife had to hit him over the head with an iron skillet, after which it was noted that he calmed down considerably."

Bonky Unveils New Headgear At Birthday Gala

BOURNEMOUTH - At a birthday gala documented in his latest blog posting, Bishop Bonkers modeled a new form of personal headgear, reportedly fashioned from discarded scraps of Persian carpeting and designed to give him a more youthful and approachable image.

"He's got to hide the old bald spot, you know" remarked one party-goer, "and that manky tea pot cosy biretta thing was just dreadfully off-putting." Guests were also treated to a highly stimulating, hour-long lecture and presentation entitled "The Evils of David Farrant" followed by a service of tea, crumpets, and sour milk.

Puddin: "I'm more popular than Jesus"

An American publishers interest in her upcoming "tell all" book has prompted David Farrant's former secretary "The Yorkshire Pudding" to proclaim that she's now "more popular than Jesus." Reaction was swift as the American Bible Belt protested in the South and Midwest, and conservative groups staged protests. Even The Vatican got involved with a public denouncement of Puddin's comments.

Will the controversy inhibit her ability to worship as a Catholic? The Puddin's not saying. Farrant however has commented that "(the publishers) really like the ‘hurt little girl’ angle; well they would really wouldn’t they, being America?!"

Net Curtains Admin Cracks Whip

The popular Net Curtains Lurkers blog appears to have had enough of David and Hoggy going round in circles. After weeks of the same old guff, the admin finally gave the bickering duo a well deserved fourty lashes as punishment, saying:

"Circular arguments are not interesting and no one wants to read them"

This Cat agrees.

Farrant Holiday To Be Covered By Cameras

LONDON - David Farrant's Information Technology expert Craig Adams unveiled his patented FarrantCam™ System today to a group of mid-day revelers at The Royal Oaks pub.

Development of the unique body mounted camera is apparently in preparation for the ex-vampire hunter's upcoming holiday in New Forest. "When he's down south at them beaches, in a certain southern area, like a road, for example, something quite, er, bonky could happen," advised Adams, "and we wanna capture whatever transpires for posterity's sake."

Of the Famous Royal Oaks, Adams comments he was "pleasantly surprised to be in a proper pub that's not been ruined or turned into a awful gastro pub like every other boozer in Muswell Hill."