Farrant Plans "Major Revelations" On Other Blog

Sources tell us that the infamous Net Knickers Lurkers blog will shortly publish an exclusive new "list" from David Farrant. "If you think I can't be controversial, just watch!" commented the author. The article content - of which Net Knickers has promised to "publish unabridged" - is rumoured to place the bonky bishop in a most unflattering light.

Bishop's Birthday Party Ends In Chaos

A certain cottage on the cliffs of Bournemouth remains strewn with wreckage following the Bishop's recent birthday bash. More than a week has passed, yet attendees (calling themselves "the wild bunch") still linger about the property in various states of inebriation. "One night we were keen to have a bonfire," recalled a party-goer, "so we lit the rubbish bin on fire and gathered round it to chant David Farrant's name." A jolly time was had by all, until "the bishop discovered someone had accidentally heaved his holy vestments into the fire, and he went mad. The poor sod began chasing us about the cottage with one of his antique swords. His wife had to hit him over the head with an iron skillet, after which it was noted that he calmed down considerably."

Bonky Unveils New Headgear At Birthday Gala

BOURNEMOUTH - At a birthday gala documented in his latest blog posting, Bishop Bonkers modeled a new form of personal headgear, reportedly fashioned from discarded scraps of Persian carpeting and designed to give him a more youthful and approachable image.

"He's got to hide the old bald spot, you know" remarked one party-goer, "and that manky tea pot cosy biretta thing was just dreadfully off-putting." Guests were also treated to a highly stimulating, hour-long lecture and presentation entitled "The Evils of David Farrant" followed by a service of tea, crumpets, and sour milk.

Puddin: "I'm more popular than Jesus"

An American publishers interest in her upcoming "tell all" book has prompted David Farrant's former secretary "The Yorkshire Pudding" to proclaim that she's now "more popular than Jesus." Reaction was swift as the American Bible Belt protested in the South and Midwest, and conservative groups staged protests. Even The Vatican got involved with a public denouncement of Puddin's comments.

Will the controversy inhibit her ability to worship as a Catholic? The Puddin's not saying. Farrant however has commented that "(the publishers) really like the ‘hurt little girl’ angle; well they would really wouldn’t they, being America?!"

Net Curtains Admin Cracks Whip

The popular Net Curtains Lurkers blog appears to have had enough of David and Hoggy going round in circles. After weeks of the same old guff, the admin finally gave the bickering duo a well deserved fourty lashes as punishment, saying:

"Circular arguments are not interesting and no one wants to read them"

This Cat agrees.

Farrant Holiday To Be Covered By Cameras

LONDON - David Farrant's Information Technology expert Craig Adams unveiled his patented FarrantCam™ System today to a group of mid-day revelers at The Royal Oaks pub.

Development of the unique body mounted camera is apparently in preparation for the ex-vampire hunter's upcoming holiday in New Forest. "When he's down south at them beaches, in a certain southern area, like a road, for example, something quite, er, bonky could happen," advised Adams, "and we wanna capture whatever transpires for posterity's sake."

Of the Famous Royal Oaks, Adams comments he was "pleasantly surprised to be in a proper pub that's not been ruined or turned into a awful gastro pub like every other boozer in Muswell Hill."

Ex-Vampire Hunters Star in "Mac vs PC" Adverts

This just in. A transcript of a new Macintosh TV ad starring - who else - the Oscar Madison and Felix Ungar of Highgate:

Bonky: Hi, I'm a PC.
David: Hi, I'm a Mac.
Bonky: Mac, you just copied what I just said, you interloping charlatan. I'll sue you for infringement!
David: Oh relax, PC. Why are you always so upset? Is it because I'm "cooler"? Because people like me better?
Bonky: No! Because you're possessed by demonic entities who can only be stopped by a wooden stake through the heart!
David: Hmm. Time to reformat your hard drive.

Bonkers: "T-Shirt Is Evidence Farrant Possessed By Demons"

Sometimes reality is so ridiculous it needs no embellishment. And when it comes to a certain bishop from Bournemouth, that's doubly true. In a new Bonky blog entry posted the week of July 6, 2009 (but curiously marked "Friday, 13 February 2009") the Bonky One asserts that David Farrant's choice of clothing proves he is controlled by Satan's demons:

"(Bishop Bonkers) belief in predatory demonic entities known as vampires is Farrant's excuse for branding him “Bishop Bonkers.” Farrant even wears a T-shirt in public carrying the infantile slur emblazoned across it, and employs the term on his and other people's blogs. Extremely hypocritical as this is, it masks something significantly more malevolent about Farrant which, coupled with a history of deceit and degeneracy, leads (Bishop Bonkers) and some others to reach the conclusion that Farrant is demonically possessed."

It seems to this Cat that Satan must have quite a sense of humour!

Ecker Offers To Buy Vampire Hunting Rivals £3,000 Cocktails

In a move characteristic of the brash American ex-cop's earthy style, author Don Ecker offered to host a "lads night out" for David Farrant and Bishop Bonkers earlier today on Net Knickers Lurkers blog:

"...I LIKE DAVID. I wouldn’t mind spending an evening with him quaffing some of that good British beer, I’ll bet we would have one hell of a good time. Filled with laughs, stories, etc. In fact, if he and "Bishop Bonkers" were able to arrange a non-confrontational meeting with me, I'd be willing to treat them both to an evening at the piano bar in London's Sheraton Park Tower. This joint sells the most expensive cocktails in the world: prices begin at £3,000 for the Diamond Cocktail. If Bonky and David will meet me there, I'll buy a round for all of us. Cuban cigars, hookers, whatever you want. We can get completely shit-faced. How's that sound?..."

No reaction has been forthcoming from Bonkers, however Farrant's response was swift and enthusiastic:

"Bloody hell. Let's take the money and go to the Woodman pub. £3,000 could buy enough drinks to send us into orbit"

Ecker's affluence is rumoured to be the result of significant sales of "UFO detectors" and "tin foil headgear" on eBay.

Puddin': The Real Story Is Me

Add another title to your Highgate Vampire Feud reading list: "Maid In The Middle", penned under the pseudonym "The Yorkshire Pudding". The new tell-all book published using Lulu reportedly serves up a gossipy stew of revelations about the author's experiences as "private secretary" to both Bishop Bonkers and David Farrant. The reclusive Bonker's personal habits get special mention, for example:

"He often wore Nazi regalia, but in a playful, fatherly way. On such occasions he asked that I dress up as Mary Magdalene and dance "crunky" while he blasted Super Freak by Rick James on the stereo. I rather enjoyed it."

And of the infamous "white witch" Farrant, she recalls:

"He promised he'd do me some dickipoggy in bed -- but only if I first plastered and painted the walls in his flat and installed a new sink in his kitchen. The work took almost two years to complete, after which the bloody pillock 'fired' me."

Bonky Revises Book Cover Art for 3rd time

In an effort to boost flagging sales and confound his detractors, Bishop Bonkers issued revised cover art to accompany his Amazon book titles this week. Initially he issued a version that obscured the image of his own face on the cover. A version that featured a classic oil painting followed. However the most recent cover art posted on Amazon seems to suggest a much-needed "update" of the characters featured on the original cover.

Not one to be upstaged, David Farrant issued his own "revised" book cover art today.