Feud To The Last Drop

If you're having trouble keeping track of the Farrant vs. Bonky internet feud lately, you're not alone. From Wikipedia to AOL, these guys have hurled more bytes than Bill Gates. Rather than sip tea together, they recently decided to shift their online war into overdrive. The pair were last sighted slugging it out on eBay, where the Bishop bid on a Jonas Brothers T-shirt and pledged his eternal soul to Farrant's undoing, saying:

"To the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

And just in case you were wondering what he's got planned for the year ahead, here's a clue:

"I'll chase him round the pages of Facebook and round Blogspot and Wordpress and round perdition's flames before I give him up!"

Tea For Two

Well, I never imagined I'd be paying a compliment to that insufferable know-it-all, Cousin Hoggy, but here I go. The ambitious young lad from down under has managed to get Bishop Bonkers himself to agree to take tea with arch-rival David Farrant.

Of course, certain obstacles must be overcome. The Bishop insists they meet alone at his seaside retreat. Farrant insists that all the bishop's various internet aliases be present. Neither wants to be the first to pick up the telephone and initiate a chat.

One reason may be that these two old war-horses have been through this drill before. Various "peace treaties" have been signed and broken. Another reason may be simple inertia: more than 20 years have elapsed since they last met face to face. "The entertainment world is full of silly artistic rivalries", ex-Beatle Paul McCartney once cautioned, "In my case, I wish we'd settled our differences and gotten together one last time. Of course, now it's too late."

Farrant Has His Head Examined

In an attempt to address burgeoning internet rumours that he dyes his hair, former "White Witch" David Farrant underwent a voluntary examination at the laboratories of the Royal Society this week. "After analysing a sample of Mr. Farrant's hair under 200-times magnification," said an unnamed expert, "I must conclude it is not artificially dyed. However we did find high trace amounts of Tesco beer, tobacco, dried prunes, and cheap French perfume -- which could account for its rather odd colouring"

Interview With The Highgate Vampire

Exclusive to The Cat's Miaow, an interview with the actual Highgate Vampire.









Q: Where have you been all these years?

A: I've been away in Spain. I have a small vineyard there that I'm absolutely devoted to. We produce an exquisite red wine. I'll get you a bottle.

Q: Well, now the big question. There are a lot of claims about who was the first to "discover" you back in the 70s. So who was it? Manchester or Farrant?

A: Actually, it was Ray Davies.

Q: Ray Davies? Of The Kinks?

A: The very same. He lived nearby and used to wander the cemetery after dark. One night we had a splendid chat about the music business, after which I bit him, and he's been a secret member of the undead ever since. And notice how good he looks for his age? That ain't cosmetic surgery. By the way, did you know he used to write songs for Herman's Hermits? Dreadful stuff...

Q: Yes, yes, enough about Ray Davies. So, did you ever have any contact with Farrant or Manchester at all?

A: I never encountered Farrant personally, but I did catch sight of him coming out of a pub and staggering along Swains Lane, three sheets to the wind, so to speak. Manchester was quite a pest, though. Always hanging around tombs and such with cameras. Had a thing for taking photos of himself in fancy dress costumes. One time I tried to dissuade him from lurking about my crypt by metamorphosising into a giant spider.

Q: What!? The giant spider story is true?

A: How else could I put him off? I heard later he used the incident in a book. Had some bird mixed up in it. Quite an imagination on that bloke.

Q: So he never drove a stake into you?

A: No, (laughs) not even close.

Q: What do you have to say to the people making money off your story? Does it bother you?

A: They're not making much with those self published books, I can assure you. Myself, I'm not one to seek publicity. Look what happened with Dracula. Movies. Comic books. Halloween costume royalties. It ruined the poor sod. I'll stay in the shadows, thank you very much. Let those two nerks fight it out tooth and nail. They appear to enjoy scrapping don't they?

Q: I think they do.

Farrant: "He burnt my Horned God poster!"

After many years, former Wiccan high priest David Farrant is still fuming over a visitors careless behavior:

"One time in the 1970s, Bonky came over and left a lit fag end on my altar. Before I knew it, the bloody thing caught fire! It burnt up a big poster print of The Horned God I had on the wall and ruined some ceremonial daggers and such. I covered up the hole with some flower patterned wall decor that was on sale at Marks & Spencer, but it ain't the same as The Horned God. How can I get girls to take their tops off if I don't have the proper demonic imagery, I ask you? The stupid burke. He owes me money for what he done."