Arminius Gone Wild

The internet is abuzz with news of Bonky's latest David Farrant fan site. Seen here, it's got all the usual hilarious Farrant-is-the-embodiment-of-evil stuff, but with a twist: it briefly featured a fleeting glimpse (posted by accident and quickly removed?) of a photo depicting a clay bust of the Bonky One himself. Rumour is that Bonky Church members are required to worship this sculpted likeness or be penalized with chores, such as cleaning out the loo!

Bonky Goes For Guinness Record

Freshly ejected from the Cat's Miaow, Bishop Bonkers announced his intention to win the Guinness Book's "All Time Internet Banned" record. Competition is expected to be fierce. "I've got a good technique" remarked the pouting prelate, "Cut and paste is only half the secret. I can get banned from 3 forums within 24 hours if I put me mind to it." A partial list of forums and websites where Bonky, in one guise or another, has already caused a discussion to be closed or himself to have been temporarily or permanently blocked or banned:

• Alex Lucard's Icon. Showstoppah. Main eventah.
• Amcgltd.com
• Basceptic.blogspot.com
• Bizarre Abyss EZboard
• Blue Boar Inn Robin Hood Discussion Forum
• Casebook.org
• Dark Matters Radio
• Darkness.com forum
• The Dorset Echo
• Fortean Times website
• Fortean Times on Facebook
• Hecklerspray.com
• James Randi Educational Forum
• Mindsetcentral.com
• Mysterymag.com Forum
• Nocturnal Frequency Radio
• Net Curtains Lurkers website
• Net Curtains Lurkers on Facebook
• Occultforum.org
• The Paracast
• Portal Of Evil forum
• Righteous Indignation podcast website
• Righteous Indignation on Facebook
• Robinhood.info Forum
• TheSleaze.co.uk
• Thevampyres.blogspot.com
• Youtube
• Wikipedia

NB: Wow. He may already have the record! I'll keep adding others to the list as I am able to verify them.

Professional Counseling by Grigory Alekseev

In the interests of calming the general chaos and strife found in the comments sections of The Cat's Miaow, we are featuring free psychiatric counseling by Grigory Alekseev. Grigory is currently enrolled in a correspondence program in Psychology at Yaroslavl State University. (No, he's not a licenced counselor or even a doctor. What did you expect? That I'd pay a *real* doctor? Ha! Fat chance! Look. Stop complaining. At least I'm trying)

24 Octover

Greetings comradeskis. Please to bear with me english is not my language first. I am review material provide by Baldy Cat regarding to feud of Mr. David and Mr. Bunkers Bishop. I believe can I mitigate dysfunction here. On this blog I see many signs of what you call mad or perhaps cloud cuckoo-land behaviors but primary analysis may I confine to personalities argue in comments. I will analyse examples and give the feed you back.

"No wonder so many people feel sorry for you, but I feel no pity at all. You disgust me!" - say Mr. Anonymous

Mr. Anonymous very hostile. I suggest obtain small pet such as bird or squirrel and attempt develop empathy will be transferred to human being over time.

"If you are really so niave that you can't see this; then you are the one with a serious problem, not myself!" say Mr. David

Mr. David stop please your shouting. Peoples to feel put off. May be attempt to understand how other has feelings. Company of small animal such as bird can downcrease diastolic pressure of blood. Also help clean crumbs from table.

"At least i have the balls to post using my real name u hypocritical bell end." - say Mr. Craigbond

Mr. Craigbond refers to shape of human penis; with relation to curvilenear of bell. Not wholesome. Suggest company of woman or small bird.

"When I look at my comments, I'm astounded at my ability to enter into dialogue and then take over." -say Carrol

Mrs. Carrol it is good and healthy sign you look at comments by your own. You have strong view which is appropriate on planet outside present solar system. Thus communication is be impaired considerably. Also true, small pet (bird would be ideal) can obtain curb violence of speech and foster companion feelings similar to normal human.

Grigory
ригорий

Farrant Will Take Demonic Possession Test

In an effort to allay rumours that he is merely "an empty shell possessed by demons", ex-vampire hunter David Farrant has agreed to allow representatives of Bishop Bonkers to be present during a series of scientific tests conducted at his Muswell Hill flat designed to determine if he is actually infested with demons. The test protocols will be modeled on 9 "indications of possession" contained in "Testing Demonic Possession" by Dr. James C. Patterson II, MEDD, PhD...

1. Trance states with no recollection of them. - David will be asked to name the pub he was in last night, who bought him drinks, and how many pints he consumed.

2. Vocalizations of a derogatory, blasphemous, and insulting nature in voices different from the subject's. - David will be shown a copy of "The Highgate Vampire" and asked his opinion of the author. His response will be tape recorded and analysed for vocal anomalies.

3. Use of unusual languages previously unknown to the subject. - David will be asked to respond to questions of a personal nature using an authentic Yorkshire dialect.

4. Psychic knowledge of events, places, and actions of others outside the possible realm of the subject's awareness. - David will be asked to predict whether a local shop is out of his brand of cheap cigarettes.

5. Large temperature changes. - A beef steak wrapped in silver foil will be affixed to David's chest with sello tape. At the end of 30 minutes, volunteers will eat the steak and report whether it is raw, medium, or well done.

6. Movement of objects on bookshelves by invisible force. - Copies of "From Satan to Christ" and "Dark Secrets" will be placed side by side on a tall bookshelf and any movement observed by video camera recording.

7. Unusual strength during the exorcism. - David's ability to lift glasses of gin of varying fullness and weight from table height to mouth height will be tested.

8. Strong reaction to holy water. - David will don a pair of cheese cloth knickers soaked in Holy Water. Any discomfort (or arousal) will be noted.

9. Levitation. - An attractive female volunteer of legal age will be positioned on David's lap. For control purposes, both subjects will be nude. Any anomalous up or down movement will be noted.

Bonkers fans vow to "take measures" against Farrant

Need to incite emotionally unstable religious fanatics into action? Vampire Research Society's Arminius Vámbéry is the guy who knows how to get it done. Consider this exchange recently posted on the group's Facebook page discussion forum:

Vambery: Farrant is an almost empty shell possessed by demons. It is those demons who are a force to be reckoned with...(followed by long explanation of how Farrant is almost completely made up of evil demons)

Edwin Blackwood: For one so infested with demons, would it not be prudent to take, shall we say, unorthodox measures...

Vambery: What are you suggesting? Please try and be a little more specific.

Edwin Blackwood: Circumlocution? It would seem to me that you have an enemy who is, as you infer, a roiling mass of demons. Take measures as your faith dictates.

Vambery later commented off the record, "No, no, no. I wasn't advocating Farrant be harmed in any way, I was merely observing that he's an empty shell full of demons, and a silver bullet or a stake dipped in holy water for example, when introduced into the region of his mid thorax by an individual blessed by the Holy Spirit, should, in theory, only affect the demons."

Bishop Celebrates 195th Web Page

With the launch of his "I Hate David Farrant Blogspot" earlier this week, Bishop Bonkers celebrated a significant career milestone: his 195th web page vilifying arch rival David Farrant. "Most people don't realise that I was one of the early pioneers of Internet attack pages" commented His Excellency, "Indeed my very first effort, the "Farrant Is An Evil Wanker" page came out in May of 1997. Of course before the Internet, all we had was printed pamphlets. No bloody good they are cos' you can't change 'em if you're caught making something up. When it comes to feuding, I'll stick with the web"

Farrant Will Grant "Fan" Request

Dogged by continuing controversy over his hair colour, former Highgate vampire hunter David Farrant has agreed to meet an obsessive American fan known only as "Carol" who recently stated her intention to travel all the way to London from her small Midwestern town in the US in order to clip a lock of his hair.

In an entry on her blog, she cites the cryptic reason behind her journey: "I think he's a phony who has to dye."

"I suggested she be waiting outside my flat late at night when I come home from the pub and have shears or perhaps a sharp knife with her" advised the hapless Farrant, adding, "She also asked if I could autograph a book for her, Catcher In The Rye if I remember correctly, though for what reason I cannot imagine."

It's Art

Cecil Lamont-Dwiggins just sent me his latest creation, a color illustration that depicts Bonky and David doing what they do best. And it sure looks like David is getting the worst of it. Wow! "Is David being overpowered, or has he cast a spell on Bonky making him unable to let go?" was Cecil's only comment. Pretty deep, huh? He also says he hasn't decided if this piece is to be a tea mug, T-shirt...or maybe something else. In the meantime, enjoy.

Update: OMG! --------------------------->