Bonky Bails Out

After nearly two weeks of cohabiting Andrew Gough's Arcadia forum with David Farrant, the bishop has fled. Regarding the bishop's sudden exit, forum members observed:

"The contrast between (the bishop's) demeanour on this forum and that of David Farrant, who has answered sometimes very personal questions with candour, gentleness and humility, is very noticeable."

"Is the bishop usually this rude to people he doesn't know?"

"From what I have seen, Mr. Farrant shows himself to at least be a gentleman. I guess 'manners 101' was not one of the courses in bishop school."

A tip for the bishop: try a different signature photo. The one of you looking away from the camera makes you appear stand-offish and remote. We also wonder if David was taught his manners in 'Witch School', and if you might be able to audit the class?

London Police Probe 30 Year Old Mystery

Did a bicycle seat sniffer walk in Highgate? London police are still baffled by strange behaviour that occurred in Muswell Hill more than 30 years ago. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of bicycle seats were sniffed by dead of night during the 1970s, say investigators. Local resident David Farrant happened to capture a photo of the elusive suspect. "I was in my flat, testing my camera near the window," he recalls, "when suddenly I saw a strange man peering in at me. I jumped from fright, and must have hit the shutter." The resulting grainy photo remains the only link in the case to this day. "Bicycle seat sniffing is not a crime," said a police spokesperson, "however we'd like to apprehend this individual for his own safety."

The Cup that Cheers

LONDON (UPI) Man-about-Soho, occult author and BPOS member Gareth Medway announced results of his latest research this week. Medway described the discovery of "large amounts of psychic energy residing in a cup of tea." Well-known for his reckless investigation of Fortean matters and whipcracking wit, Medway says he stumbled upon the strange effect while at a friend's house. "I was about to take a sip when I noticed steam wafting from the cup had begun mysteriously forming alphabetic letters...B...O...N...and so forth. I think the bloody thing was trying to communicate something!" He plans to expand on his startling theories in a new book entitled, "Lure of the Sechung".

David & Bonky Mix It Up...Sort Of

'Terrible Two' Separated
Andrew Gough's Arcadia forum was the place to be this weekend as David Farrant was forcefully ejected from a thread containing the Bishop. "This forum thread is big enough for one vampire hunter and one vampire hunter only" said Gough after putting up a "reserved" sign that excluded Farrant from the discussion. "I don't really mind letting him have that thread to himself," commented Farrant, "but I would first wish him to answer the question of how he was able to publish a photo of a 'blood-sucking vampire' especially since they supposedly cast no shadow nor any reflection."

A Chance Meeting
However the feuding pair were eventually destined to clash in public, caught on surveillance camera late Sunday evening as they shopped for wine in the aisles of a London off-licence. A partial transcript of the surveillance tape audio:

Bishop: "YOU again? Must you follow me EVERYWHERE you (unintelligible) obsessive (unintelligible)?"
Farrant: "ME? I'm just here for a bottle of wine. YOU'RE the one who's obsessed, (unintelligible)!"
Bishop: "Keep to your own aisle, (unintelligible) or I'll (unintelligible) (unintelligible) solicitor (unintelligible)!"
Farrant: "I'll stand in ANY aisle I PLEASE, (unintelligible) prat (unintelligible) bell end (unintelligible)!"

Unequal Impressions
The two went on to make separate but unequal impressions in Andrew Gough's Arcadia Forum. By late Monday, it was clear the Battling Bishop had mired himself in matters of protocol, pedantry, and imagined slights. By contrast, Farrant drew a number of gently abstract questions about "life" from the women of the forum, many of whom posted images of small, pink hearts and wished him Godspeed. "Farrant's a witch I tells ye," angrily remarked one of the Bishop's supporters, "e' put the Devil's charm on them wimmin, and e' cast a spell on Gough's forum, that's no error, no zur!"

Farrant & Bishop Accidentally Collide

• Critics say Bishop "disoriented"
Well, it had to happen sometime. Eternal "arch enemies" David Farrant and his nemesis the Bishop (as his uncloaked self) turned up in the same internet forum at the same time. Andrew Gough's Arcadia discussion Zone was the scene of the bizarre collision earlier today that caused many to wonder if the Bishop's stated policy of refusing to appear in the same venue as Farrant had lapsed. "The Bishop appears disoriented", complained one pundit, leading to speculation that an error in geriatric medications could be to blame for the historic "joint appearance" of the two lifelong foes.

• Bishop's posts tied to cache of dodgy photos
Strangest of all, since the Bishop's own pasted-in "glamour" photo accompanied his every post, alert computer nerds and IT boffins quickly sussed the web address from which it linked and originated: (http://www.holygrail-church.fsnet.co.uk/FarrantFacts_files/image002.jpg). They soon discovered the "root directory" where the photo resides to be a virtual cesspit of anti-Farrant graphic materials: (http://www.holygrail-church.fsnet.co.uk/FarrantFacts_files). When asked why a Most Holy Bishop who has historically professed to be uninvolved in anti-Farrant internet shenanigans or His Church (inspired by visions of a bleeding Jesus standing in a giant cup) would need such uncharitable files, the Bishop's spokespersons remarked, "No doubt some malefic entity planted these files to 'frame' His Excellency, such as a creature from outer space or perhaps even another dimension who is surely in league with Farrant."

• Sudden News Blackout
Less than 24 hours after news of the unprecedented meeting leaked, forum master Andrew Gough was forced to draw a cloak of secrecy over the proceedings by restricting access to the topic to a select few. "The Bishop made me agree to some bizarre conditions," he confessed, "among them, he requires that I kneel as I type."

The sudden news blackout prompted a rash of speculation. One source commented, "I reckon the Bishop is undergoing a 'PR makeover' by his handlers. They want to make him appear more friendly and less foreboding. You'll see all that tosh about 'call me Bishop' disappear and a new 'average Joe' personality come out."

Others felt that Gough had no choice but to remove the discussion from public view. One story circulated that Farrant's evil minions were tasked to send Andrew a voodoo doll, but the minions bungled the job, sending a plastic blow up doll from a local 'sex shop' instead. Another tale had the Bishop's solicitors on Gough's doorstep demanding a £10,000 "personal appearance fee".

• Access Restored
After nightfall, unrestricted access to Arcadia's forums reappeared as mysteriously as it had earlier vanished. The formerly cheeky Farrant returned to the forums appearing bruised and battered, promising "not to interact" with the Bishop. A post where he jokingly called the Bishop "Arminious" was deleted. His Excellency's sense of humour remained conspicuously absent. Given all the gratuitous genuflecting, is Gough the new heavy in this drama?

• Waiting for the Fracas to Commence
Observers say the mood is polite, yet many are merely awaiting the first volley to be fired. Most agree hostilities will officially begin when the Bishop's "hit men" post the first anti-Farrant news cutting (several have wagered it will be the ever-popular "sex mad witch" story).

Secret Code - Busted!

Wondering why the bishop recently called David's attention to a page of seemingly innocuous verse? These sentimental musings (reproduced on the left) are all from classical poets, but they conceal a private communication in a secret code that rivals the cloak-and-dagger spy novels of Ian Fleming. Here's how it works.

They simply add each others birthdays together - and multiply by the number of letters in a key word, in this case H-O-L-L-O-W-A-Y. The resulting decimal string (1820505152...etc.) tells them that the 1st, 8th, 20th, 50th, etc. words form the text of the actual secret message.

Simply circle the words in the correct order, and voila, there it is:

I REALIZED I WAS A FOOL. SPEAK SOON. WEST WE'LL FIND TRUTH. JOURNEY.

This is obviously a conciliatory message to David, instructing him that a meeting will take place soon at a location in the "west" to which they'll "journey".

Are we witnessing the end of the 30 year feud...or a new more bizarre chapter of it?

Newspaper Editor: "We played it for laughs"

Can't find any independent witnesses for the youthful antics of The Terrible Two? Look to book reviewer Gerald Isaaman of The Camden New Journal and his 29, January 2009 review of "London Lore". Turns out Gerald was the editor of Ham & High in March of 1970 when the photo on the left was printed.

"What caught my attention was the (chapter in London Lore) about Highgate Cemetery, which recounts the story of the Highgate Vampire and is attributed to 1970 reports in the Ham & High, where I was then the editor."

"What nonsense it all was – and, indeed, still is: two of the major competing figures involved, David Farrant and Sean Manchester, have websites making enduring vampire claims."

"It all started innocently enough when the paper received a letter about ghosts, which was published with a note beneath, inviting readers to send in their ghost experiences. And in they poured. Up popped David Farrant with his tale of “Ghostly Walks in Highgate”, revealing three occasions when he saw, just outside the cemetery gates, a “ghostly dark figure in Swains Lane” with “hypnotic red eyes”"

"Among them too was a challenge to David Farrant from Sean Manchester, another vampire hunter, who claimed that “a King Vampire of the Undead” was to blame. It seems a medieval nobleman who practised black magic in Wallachia had been brought to England in a coffin which was buried in Highgate Cemetery. Manchester arrived at the office wearing a black cloak lined with scarlet silk and carrying a cane, as if he was about to transform himself into Dracula. It was a real hoot, and we played the story for laughs."

A cloak with scarlet silk? Over to you, boys.

Locked in Murderous Absurdity

From Mullock's Specialist Auctioneers and Valuers catalog:

Historical Document - Lot Number 71 - Auction Date 25/06/09. Witchcraft - the Manchester/Farrant duel an original poster issued in 1978 advertising what was to become the clash of the wizards in Highgate Wood London. The event was to be the final showdown between two occultists Sean Manchester billed in the poster as 'Grand Master of the Occult' and Farrant billed as 'High Priest of Witchcraft'. '...Locked in murderous absurdity Britain's most infamous magicians intend to resolve their feud to the death at Queen's Wood Highgate 18th August 1978' This particular copy was retrieved by a Police officer with his original report on the back : '...I saw Farrant on Sunday 6/8/78 at about 10am putting up one of the posters advertising the event on the notice board outside Jackson Lane Community Centre Archway Road. I was unable to retrieve it as he had glued it on.' Together with a copy of the Highgate Wood bye laws (rare) and various press cuttings relating to the incident. This incident which seems like coming straight out of a 'Harry Potter' movie arose out of the belief in the late 1960s among a group of young people that there was something sinister in Highgate Woods cemetery in North London - at that time a rambling eerie overgrown Victorian cemetery evoking all the necessary images which were prevalent in the popular 'Hammer Horror' movies of the time. Both Manchester and Farrant claimed that there was a real Vampire existing in the cemetery but their varying approaches to the claims led them to become rivals. Manchester even claimed that he had sought it out and disposed of it by the time honoured Bram Stoker method of driving a wooden stake through its heart. This led to the decision between the two of them to have some sort of showdown in Highgate Woods. Unfortunately for them the Police were wise to the whole thing - not really difficult to see how as these posters were being put up everywhere - and they staked out the woods. Before the two major parties could get going however the undercover policemen were rumbled and the whole thing was called off. Price £70 to £100.

Nice calligraphy. Bottom line (cut off) reads, "Irreconcilable differences and a fatal obsession with honour bring the two occultists together". Would both our distinguished guests (who happen to be in attendance) care to comment?

Hell Fire Set to Host "Battle of Vampire Hunters"

One of our sponsors came up with a rather unique proposal to resolve the Highgate "feud": a charity exhibition held at Manchester's gothic-themed Hell Fire club.

"Farrant and the Bishop can have a go at each other in a boxing ring, they can debate, or even have a foot race if they like. We're open to what ever they want to do," Hell Fire's manager Peter Gibbon explained, "we're keen to host a competition between England's famous vampire hunters with the proceeds going to a charity of their choice." Gibbon said local shock rockers Al B. Damned and sexy entertainers The Glitter Kittens have also expressed interest in the programme.

Confuse Me Not

David & Bonky's "history" confuses me no end. I sketched up a quick "time line" of their "relationship". I wonder if David and "Arminius" might care to help me sort it out:

1967 - David & Bonky first contact
1969 - David & Bonky first meetings
1970 - David's first arrest
1970 - David and Bonky joint TV/news interviews
1970 - The Bradish Incident - origin of "the feud"?
1971 - Bonky investigates Satanism
1972 - David's second arrest
1973 - David & Bonky "Horned God" fire incident
1974 - David's 3rd arrest, prison sentence
1975 - Bonky visits David in prison
1976 - David released from prison
1976 - First "magical duel"
1978 - David & Bonky "sword duel"
1982 - Bonky stakes "vampire spider"
1984 - Second "magical duel"
1985 - Bonky's first book
1986 - Bonky & David's last face to face meeting
1991 - David's first book
1992 - David & Bonky "truce"
1996 - "Truce" ends

Comments in this thread are closed to all except David & Arminius. Let's see what happens without the constant slagging from others to distract them. Maybe a breakthrough? I doubt it. But it'll be entertaining.

Holding Tank

Comment on the commenters, whinge and fuss, calumnify, or go off on tangents here.