In an effort to allay rumours that he is merely "an empty shell possessed by demons", ex-vampire hunter David Farrant has agreed to allow representatives of Bishop Bonkers to be present during a series of scientific tests conducted at his Muswell Hill flat designed to determine if he is actually infested with demons. The test protocols will be modeled on 9 "indications of possession" contained in
"Testing Demonic Possession" by Dr. James C. Patterson II, MEDD, PhD...
1.
Trance states with no recollection of them. - David will be asked to name the pub he was in last night, who bought him drinks, and how many pints he consumed.
2.
Vocalizations of a derogatory, blasphemous, and insulting nature in voices different from the subject's. - David will be shown a copy of "The Highgate Vampire" and asked his opinion of the author. His response will be tape recorded and analysed for vocal anomalies.
3.
Use of unusual languages previously unknown to the subject. - David will be asked to respond to questions of a personal nature using an authentic Yorkshire dialect.
4.
Psychic knowledge of events, places, and actions of others outside the possible realm of the subject's awareness. - David will be asked to predict whether a local shop is out of his brand of cheap cigarettes.
5.
Large temperature changes. - A beef steak wrapped in silver foil will be affixed to David's chest with sello tape. At the end of 30 minutes, volunteers will eat the steak and report whether it is raw, medium, or well done.
6.
Movement of objects on bookshelves by invisible force. - Copies of "From Satan to Christ" and "Dark Secrets" will be placed side by side on a tall bookshelf and any movement observed by video camera recording.
7.
Unusual strength during the exorcism. - David's ability to lift glasses of gin of varying fullness and weight from table height to mouth height will be tested.
8.
Strong reaction to holy water. - David will don a pair of cheese cloth knickers soaked in Holy Water. Any discomfort (or arousal) will be noted.
9.
Levitation. - An attractive female volunteer of legal age will be positioned on David's lap. For control purposes, both subjects will be nude. Any anomalous up or down movement will be noted.
Freshly ejected from the Cat's Miaow, Bishop Bonkers announced his intention to win the Guinness Book's "All Time Internet Banned" record. Competition is expected to be fierce. "I've got a good technique" remarked the pouting prelate, "Cut and paste is only half the secret. I can get banned from 3 forums within 24 hours if I put me mind to it." A partial list of forums and websites where Bonky, in one guise or another, has already caused a discussion to be closed or himself to have been temporarily or permanently blocked or banned:
