"Lone Stranger" Blogger Is Gervais, Say Sources

The mystery of who created the infamous Net Curtains Lurkers blog may be solved. Sources close to actor and producer Ricky Gervais say there are several reasons why Gervais is most likely the man behind the controversial website:

• Gervais told friend he was "amused" by the antics of Farrant and Bonkers.
• Gervais TV series "The Office" similar to setting of Net Curtains Lurkers.
• Gervais ready wit apparent in some of the more ribald postings.
• Gervais once wore "vampire" costume for fancy dress party.
• Gervais enjoys unlimited funding for purchase of exclusive "highgate vampire" domain name.
• Gervais enjoys inexhaustible supply of top-priced legal talent to quash petty complaints.
  
• Gervais known to visit Royal Oaks pub in Muswell where Farrant binge-drinks.
• Gervais reportedly developing "Bumf Bishop" TV show around real-life Bonky.
• Gervais known collector of "Lone Ranger" star Clayton Moore memorabilia.
• Gervais said to have "bollocks the size of beach balls".
  

Manchester United Changes Name

After more than 71 years in the top division of English football, reigning English champions and Club World Cup holders Manchester United Football Club have elected to change their name.

"We don't wish to be mistaken for that pillock in Bournemouth with all his daft vampire rubbish", said a ManU spokesperson.

According to officials, Premier League rules require that a club wishing to change its name may do so, however it must use the next available name in the queue; in this case, the Cockermouth Ladyboys. "That's fine with us," commented one member, "anything's better than being associated with a twit carrying wooden stakes and hunting for Count Dracula."

Parliament Declares War on US - Blames "Ecker insults"

LONDON - Urged on by the BNP and other right wing elements, Britain has declared war on its former WWII ally on the basis of remarks by American UFO author Don Ecker. Prime Minister and Labour Party leader Gordon Brown commented, "Although Bishop Bonkers is a twit, we cannot permit free reign to insults against England's eccentrics. We feel military action is justified to halt this American aggression."

Former police detective Ecker used various cyberspace blogs to characterize vampire-hunting authors Bishop Bonkers and David Farrant as effeminate "Nancy Boys", and said that "guys like Bonkers who try and cash in on vampires through books and talk shows are just reprehensible."

A detachment of Royal Marines commandos is reportedly mustering at the Royal Oak pub in expectation of deployment to the US.

Police Tapes Show Former Vampire Hunters "Tight As Ticks"

LONDON - Scotland Yard officials have admitted to electronically bugging the meeting place of two ostensibly feuding former "vampire hunters" located in a crypt beneath Highgate Cemetary. Surreptitious recordings made by police bring to light what many have suspected all along - Bishop Bonkers and David Farrant have been closely cooperating in a business partnership for over three decades. One transcript reveals the pair advising a newcomer on how to obtain publicity:

Barbara Green: Hells Bells! I had no idea you boys had such a posh private club to yourselves...

Bonkers: (Laughs) Did you notice it's cleverly made up to look like a rotted tomb on the outside? Keeps the unsuspecting public out.

Farrant: It's mostly Sean's work. Look, that's the original orange shag carpet.

Bonkers: And many a girl was "shagged" on it, I can tell you! (Laughter from both)

Farrant: Fitted the place out himself in the 1970s. A bloody handyman he is. I'm no good with tools.

Barbara: Well I do appreciate you taking me into your confidence to lend me some advice on my enterprise...

Bonkers: Yes, well Barbara, regarding your Robin Hood scam, you're going about it all wrong, see?

Farrant: In terms of publicity, you got very little so far...

Bonkers: You’d get more if you were arrested for dropping pigeon shit on the ground! (All laugh heartily)

Barbara: I've tried to stir up rumours about vampires, ghosts, MI5 conspiracy...

Bonkers: Well the MI5 bit sounds promising if you can play it right. Have you thought of scattering some old bones about the property?

Barbara: I may be able to come by some cat bones...

Farrant: Sean, what about a duel? You know, have her "slain" by one of the Kirklees locals...

Barbara: A cap doffer!

Farrant: "Tragically silenced just as she was about to uncover their secret"...something of that nature....

Bonkers: No, no...that ballsed-up "duel" business was lame when we did it. Don't do a duel. Get yourself arrested.

Farrant: Right, a big trial, covered by all the newspapers. We can help you with that.

Barbara: I don't fancy going to a dickipoggy old gaol, I'm a lady you know.

Bonkers: A mere technicality...

Farrant: Leave it to us.

Bonkers: But first, a spot of tea m'dear?

Barbara: Oooh, lovely. And what a cunning tea cosy...

(To be continued)

Reader Poll - They Prefer To Drink With Craig

Results of a new survey on Cat's Miaow showed a majority of readers would prefer to have a beer with London miscreant Craig Adams. The poll asked readers to choose from among a group that included Bishop Bonkers, David Farrant and Gareth Medway. Over 83% chose Adams. Reactions from the losers:

Bonkers: "The Bishop does not read "polls" or the puerile blogs in which Farrant spreads his usual defamation, however I can assure you that as a drinking partner he would be the equal, if not the better, of any man who is not a direct descendant of Lord Byron"

Farrant: "Bloody Hell. It's getting so everyone's more popular than myself. What must I do to get a bit of attention - stake some 'blood sucking vampires'?"

Medway: "I don't know why I wasn't chosen. Just because I fancy placing iron manacles on friends and striking them savagely about the buttocks with a bull whip doesn't mean I wouldn't be a brilliant companion to have a pint with"

Bishop's Plans Go Down The Crapper

City Council Rejects Bid To Renovate Church

BOURNEMOUTH - Bishop Bonkers hopes to modernise his church structure were flushed away this week. According to officials, blueprints submitted by him to the Council were "highly inappropriate to a house of God" and appeared to pose "certain potential health hazards" to worshipers.

"I've never seen anything quite like it," remarked one observer. Featured in the construction drawings are toilet paper and an amateurishly disguised cesspool. "It looks as if he tried to bodge up a church from an old outdoor loo," said another, "of course it's all completely illegal".

New Evidence Farrant May Be "6th Beatle"

A photograph found among personal papers in John Lennon's estate may help shed new light on The Beatles early years.

It was August of 1960 and The Beatles were just beginning to gain popularity at night clubs in Hamburg, Germany when bass player Stu Sutcliffe decided to part company with the band. Up until now, pop culture historians believed that Paul McCartney took over Sutcliffe's role. However a recently discovered photograph shows drummer Pete Best posed along with Harrison, Lennon, McCartney, and what appears to be a young David Farrant. Customs records confirm that Farrant was wandering about the continent at that time, and could have fallen in with the Liverpool musicians. The discovery also seems to provide compelling evidence that the famous Beatle Haircut was actually copied from Farrant. A note scrawled on the back of the photograph by Lennon reads, "Farrant kind of creepy but a dab hand with the birds."

Love In An Ice Cream Van

Some interesting data has been obtained in a poll of ice cream vendors regarding questions raised by the nature of the following verse:

A photographer and saxophonist
He really was a dandy
But of his tales I’d urge you all
A pinch of salt keep handy.

Queueing up for ice-cream
was a mixed-race girl called Shirley
When she went in her hair was straight
After it was curly!

-The Saga of Pat and Davy (By Alex Archibald Berger)

The verse refers, of course, to carnal pleasures enjoyed by Bishop Bonkers during his short but spirited employment as an ice cream vendor. A survey of former and present vendors reveals that ice cream vans have proven ideal for brief sexual encounters, having plenty of room inside and conveniently shuttered windows to enhance privacy. "It may be a bit cold inside but that don't stop things from getting quite hot with the right girl," observed one respondent.

Profitably Insane

The other day I was pondering the possibility of Bishop Bonkers being authentically and tragically "mental". It is an interesting concept when you think about it. Here is an individual who writes books and gives interviews describing his beliefs in (among other things) the efficacy of pounding wooden stakes into the chests of demonic entities. Rather than being mercilessly made sport of, perhaps he should be pitied, as one would pity a mongoloid child or a brain-damaged war veteran.

However there is one major difference between the latter unfortunates and Bonky. He actively peddles his dementia for status and profit, not unlike author Whitley Streiber - a guy who claims to be victimized by a malevolent alien conspiracy - yet is able to comprehensively package and pitch a series of highly lucrative books and films on the subject. This kind of 'profitable insanity' probably deserves to be made sport of, don't you think?

*An uncharacteristically thoughtful blog entry, I admit. Don't worry, we'll be back to our usual slashing satire next time!

Cousin Hoggy's Final Triumph

Transcript of a recent interview conducted at David Farrant's flat.

Hoggy: David, on page 256 of The Mildewed Chalice₁, your 89th book on the Highgate Vampire, you wrote "I bent low upon entering the crypt", yet in a March 8, 2002 post₂ on the Vampires n' Vixens Forum, you wrote "I walked into the crypt with my head held high".

David: Yes, I suppose I did.

Hoggy: Well don't you see a glaring inconsistency and a rather vile lack of truthfulness there?

David: No, not really. Maybe I bent for a moment, then straightened up.

Hoggy: Don't you dare try and wriggle out of it, Farrant! Your statement in The Mildewed Chalice clearly contradicts your statement in Vampires n' Vixens!

David: That's true, but I have tried to explain it.

Hoggy: So you ADMIT that your answers are inconsistent!

David: They probably are, but what do you expect? We are talking about "vampire sightings" not brain surgery.

Hoggy: I've GOT you now, you evasive old rascal! You ADMIT inconsistency! Don't you? DON'T YOU?!

David: Sure. (sigh) Yes. Why not.

Hoggy: (dances around the room) Ah ha ha ha HAAA! Your integrity is dishonoured, Sir! Liar, liar, pants on fire! Ha ha HOO haa! Oh, they laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that you have made inconsistent statements! (throws open window) DO YE HEAR ME OUT THERE, WORLD? I'VE BESTED FARRANT!!! ME!!!!!....

David: Erm, mind the window casing, it's a bit weak.

Hoggy: ...ME! ME! ME! I'M THE WINNER! I'M THE...(CRACK! SPLINTER!) AAAEEEEEYIIIII!!!!!! (SPLAT!)

David: Oh dear. Rotten luck, Hoggy. Now where's that bottle of wine I've put aside?

Did A Wankyr Wank In Highgate?

The deliriously "bonky" prose generated by the author of The Highgate Vampire is legendary, and any Farrant/Bonky Feud blog would be remiss if it didn't mention the incident when our intrepid vampire hunter enjoyed a "nude (and some say lewd) interlude" alone in that famous graveyard. This incident is described in great detail by the author so we won't repeat it here. Suffice to say, Bonky boldly stripped off his street clothing with the intention to change into a flowing, silky dressing gown he'd carried there with him. Apparently something about the sight and feel of the silk put him in a "randy" mood, for he lingered there naked in the moonlight for some time. No one knows exactly what he was doing, but some have speculated that he "took matters into his own hands", so to speak!

Pudding - "I was secretly spying on Farrant!"

According to private sources in the North Country, David Farrant's former secretary and companion known by the code name "The Yorkshire Pudding" spent two years carrying out a secret assignment to spy on him. There is now evidence that the young "Mata Hari from Batley" used her female charms to deceive the hapless Farrant into giving her full access to his British Psychic & Occult Society's records, allowing her to copy thousands of pages of documents, make secret recordings, and even extract "pillow talk" confessions from Farrant. "Part of her task was to get my confidence" admits Farrant.

She reportedly received instructions from her superiors via a tiny "spy radio" disguised to look like a hot water bottle. But who was the Mastermind spymaster this secret agent reported to? The sordid trail of evidence points to none other than Bishop Bonkers himself. "Bonkers would do anything to infiltrate Farrant's organisation," remarked one observer, "including train and equip a female spy".

Bishop & Wife Open "Strip Club"

BOURNEMOUTH - In an effort to fluff up their sagging resources, Bishop Bonkers and his wife have joined their talents together for a new enterprise: the city's first combined Church/Strip Club called "Bibles & Baps".

The bishop plans to conduct religious services and entertain tradesmen with a variety of exotic and "erotic" female performances along with the usual demonic exorcisms. Of the couples' new business, a city official observed, "Makes sense, don't it? They're each focusing on what they do best"

Farrant Caught With Bogus TV Licence

When TV Licencing inspectors knocked on the door of David Farrant's flat this week, he presented his documents as ordered. Imagine their surprise when they discovered it was not only a counterfeit licence -- but it was signed by "Craig A.", one of Farrant's "handlers"!

It all began when Farrant declared his desire to watch some of the "naughty channels" on television. When it was explained to him that he needed a licence, the Muswell Hill resident allegedly remarked, "Us witches don't need licences!". Enter Craig, his resourceful "right hand man", who quickly bodged together what he felt was a reasonable enough facsimile. "The old sod was delighted when I presented it to him" recalls Craig, "he always cursed the BBC for what he saw as 'robbery' in taking the public's money".

Facing the possibility of another Old Bailey trial for these offences, Farrant quickly surrendered the bogus document and his television set along with a crate of old wooden stakes, saying, "I blame Craig".

Computer Geek - "Bishop Has Been Dead For 2 Years!"

Is Bishop Bonkers dead? New evidence points to the startling conclusion that the vampire-hunting poseur died over two years ago. Information Technology expert Nigel Huxtable, a former employee of Geek Squad located at Portal Way in London says that in December of 2007 a Bournemouth widow employed him to install a software program on her computer that could authentically mimic the Bishop's responses in online forums and carry out a grisly charade designed to fool his enemies and retain his supporters.

"It was really quite an easy hack", remarked Huxtable. "I wrote a Windows PC software program that scans online blogs and forums for trigger words such as VAMPIRE, HIGHGATE, FARRANT, or TEA POT COSY. It then automatically generates an appropriate response by assembling cut and paste prose from among the extensive archives of the Bishop's writings." On cue, Huxtable demonstrated for me how his program creates a typical response to an innocent blog comment about vampires: "FARRANT IS AN INTERLOPING CHARLATAN AND BANDWAGONEER WHO HAS AN AXE TO GRIND AGAINST THE AUTHOR OF THE HIGHGATE VAMPIRE. THIS CONVICTED CRIMINAL ENGAGES IN SLANDER AND A PLETHORA OF FALSE ALLEGATIONS" read the resulting text. "It's amazingly authentic", bragged Huxtable, "most people are convinced the Bishop is still alive and posting away with his sock puppet accounts."

When asked if he was sure the Bishop was actually deceased, Huxtable's answer was: "Oh yes, he's really dead. I saw his corpse laid out on the grass as they were preparing a shallow grave beneath the outside loo". Huxtable says he was paid £5,000 for his troubles and maintains he has violated no laws. "I'm only doing what his widow asked me to do", he added.

Saucers Over Bournemouth

No Farrant/Bonky Feud site would be complete without mention of The Great Bournemouth UFO Incident of May 2007.

It began when regional newspaper Bournemouth/Dorset Echo, wrote that "numerous reports were phoned and emailed into the Echo of strange events in the sky at around 10pm on 24 May 2007." On the paper's website, the online "comments" section soon began filling with local residents talking about seeing strange, orange coloured lights flitting about the sky over Bournemouth. But one "man of the cloth" couldn't resist using the incident as an opportunity to take a swipe at his arch enemy:

Posted by: Bishop Seán Manchester, Bournemouth on 9:14pm Sat 26 May 07

"I saw these lights as well, and I can tell you they are the work of Satanic forces such as those lead by cult high priest David Farrant, who, in 1969, beheaded a cat as part of a ritual sacrifice for his "witches coven".

The newspaper's comments section rapidly became a war zone as Farrant and his supporters arrived bearing denials and counter-accusations. Echo editors quickly deleted all comments, and the fight moved to magician and debunker James Randi's forum. Farrant cheekily explained to readers that the sightings were an "alien fleet that I conjoured up using my 'Satanic powers' and sent to Bournmouth to abduct him...the Commander has since informed me that he was hiding in the garden shed; but no worries as they will be going back!" Adding to the Bishop's embarassment, the incident was later satirised by expatriate humourist Cecil Lamont-Dwiggins.

Oddly, the same newspaper recently published an opinion that more recent sightings of mysterious lights in the sky were caused by "lanterns used in pagan gatherings". So the Bishop may just have not been so crazy after all.

Maidstone Blues

Was David Farrant briefly incarcerated in Maidstone Prison during late November of 2007 ?

According to a story passed on to this Cat via a recent email, the Muswell Hill Mobster mysteriously "disappeared" for 3 to 4 days during that time period and was not able to satisfactorily account for his whereabouts. Spurious reports published on the Yorkshire Pudding's blog at the time put him in Maidstone Prison suffering from grave injuries after being beaten by the London Met during a scuffle while undergoing "arrest" at his flat. When asked if she'd put aside her differences and go to his aid, the Pudding's response was that she'd just as soon leave him to die. A few days later, Farrant resurfaced with a pronounced limp and told interested parties that he'd not been imprisoned, but that a film crew provided him room and board at the swanky Hilton Maidstone Hotel near Kent in exchange for a series of interviews. This Cat has not seen hide nor hair of such interviews on broadcast television or the internet, yet admits that David's story is one possible explanation. However, the underlying question on many people's minds is that given news of a friend's dire situation, how a purportedly Christian woman could refuse to help?

Tabloid Titillations

The fur is flying on the Net Curtains Lurkers blog with accusations of secret paternity by both parties. David claims that Bonky has two sons out of wedlock which he refuses to recognize. Bonky claims that David has fathered various children all across the EU who are now engaged in a second generation demonic plot against him, a la The Boys From Brazil. Can you imagine the sons and daughters of Bonky and David carrying on the tradition, writing "tell all " books, posting nasty web pages, and generally carrying their parents feud into the 21st century?

All this proxy feud nonsense could be avoided if Bonky and David would face each other in person with Sir David Frost as moderator. We propose that if the two elder protagonists don't have the bollocks to do it, how about their children? What if the two sons of David meet the two sons of Bonky -- at a public "panel discussion" event? Proceeds from any admission fees would be split between the parties. I say it's an idea whose time has come!

30 Years Of Satire

Long before Don Ecker, Cecil Lamont-Dwiggins or Steve Genier came on the scene, witty wags were busy amusing the public with satires of "Bishop Bonkers". I received a batch of vintage satiric drawings via email today, and I am told they were penned by an artist named Roy Barclay whom it is rumoured disappeared under mysterious circumstances. The subject is, of course, our Bonkers Bishop, and the artwork is quite good, however most all of the drawings are crowded with dense notes and barely comprehensible verbiage. A sample:

"...Stockings, sussies, stillettoes (sic) - the truth is just shocking - worse, we believe it's a scandal! See for yourself what Sean's been keeping under cover of his holy robes all these years - yes folks, it's the real Rocky Horror Picture Show on the streets of London N6...I don't know about you, but we're "disgustipated" at another holy man of the cloth's dirty little secret...!"

It's a pity the scans are not of high enough quality to show the minute detail put into these sketches. I can imagine the fellow (or lady) who penned these put a lot of effort into them.

Still Bonkers!

The legendary exploits of Bournemouth's Bishop Bonkers are known only too well to followers of this epic feud. Humorist Cecil Lamont Dwiggins has kindly emailed me a compressed computer file chock a block full of very funny artwork on the subject which I'll be sharing here in weeks to come. He also sent me a brief letter in which he related some of the "Bonkers" stories he'd been told on which much of his comic strip work was based. One memorable incident entailed the Bishop's fascination with the late Princess Diana. According to a domestic maid employed at the Bishop's residence, Bonky awoke one night loudly proclaiming that the late Diana's spectre had visited certain "favours" upon him while clad only in her transparent nightie. The maid testified that indeed, the following day, the bedclothes were "unusually damp".

Gareth By Torchlight

David's mate Gareth has a reputation as a rough customer between the sheets and a fair hand with a bullwhip. Rumours of dickipoggy goings-on up in the North Country involving a shaving brush and a blonde notwithstanding, we think the old boy should be given some credit for his humanitarian side. Many a time this Knight In Black Leather has carried an unconscious David up the stairs to his flat after an especially rowdy piss up at the pub. Indeed, he once even volunteered to spend an afternoon showing the sights of London to the young Pudding. According to the tale, Sir Gareth tried to coax her into the dark recesses of the notorious Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club with its sadomasochistic music and semi nude barkeeps. Being a Christian, the Pudding would have none of it, and had to console herself with third-hand stories of Gareth submitting to erotic floggings during a Thames barge trip.

On The Wagon

Alas, t'were it not for The Great Shaving Brush Scandal of 2007 she might be a best-selling author by now. Lord knows it's not for lack of trying. Every chance she gets, she's out drumming up publicity for the notion that Robin Hood is quite dead in Kirklees (or something like that). Of course I'm talking about our spunky Yorkshire lass Babsy who, for years now, has been riding the Robin Hood bandwagon while fighting to open the minds (and wallets) of an indifferent British Public. Despite her various personal peccadillos (they say she once chased David 'round the back garden until he agreed to give her a kiss) we do like her for being a cat lover.

Puddings and Peacocks

You think you got relationship troubles? Have a look at this dodgy duo. Your worst day is a Romeo & Juliet dream romance compared to their coupling and subsequent bust-up. One minute it's all lovey-dovey and the next they're posting all manner of slag about each other on the Internet. Don't you wish they would just ignore each other? But no, their silly bickering goes on and on: "She's got an un-Christian hot water bottle fetish!"..."His Satanic naughty bits don't work right!"...Oh for God's sake, give it up you two! And speaking of God, I heard a rumour that when the Pudding decided she'd had enough of the Peacock, old Bonky dropped to his knees and gave thanks to Heaven for the terrible troubles this relationship had brought on his arch enemy. Not even a comic book could capture the absurdity of this saga.

Crumpet Men

One might say our two protagonists have both laboured a lifetime to become Men Of Substance. Indeed, one now styles himself as a "Man Of Holy Orders", the other, a "Psychic Researcher". But back in the 1960s, each was what could be politely termed a "Crumpet Man".

Daily, these two Young Turks pursued the cream of British Womanhood from pillar to post and expended no small amount of vigor in doing so. David was a natural, and the girls lined up for his attentions, sometimes two or three a night. But poor, gormless Bonky had a harder time of it. "Just be yourself" counseled his mates. But Bonky's own self had no appeal to the opposite sex. One day, quite by accident, he hit upon the winning formula. He told a bird he was descended from Lord Byron. The young girl's knickers practically flew off. The seed was planted (in more ways than one!) and from then on, he took on persona after persona, leaving his old self far behind.

Seaside Interlude

The internet is abuzz with rumours that David will be loaded into a specially designed bulletproof van and carted off to a certain address in Bournemouth this July. Once there, either sparks will fly, or the confrontation will fizzle. We have already alerted reporters at the London newspapers with details of what could turn out to be the story of the year.

Finchley Pool Boy Days

Legend has it that in the early 1960s, Bonky had a job at the Finchley Swimming Pool as a towel boy or an attendant of some sort. He and young David were "mates" at the time, spending untold hours in each others company and lusting after young ladies sunning themselves poolside. A little birdie has told this Cat a story that allegedly happened during this period.

It seems Bonky had set his cap (not yet a biretta) for a lovely young beauty in a two-piece swim costume who frequented the pool. Each day he'd pester her with chatter and long, searing gazes to no effect. Finally, out of sheer persistence, he got her to agree to a date one evening. But when Bonky went to meet her at her flat, she wasn't there. Despondent, our young swain trudged home alone. When he got there he was shocked to discover his flat occupied by his "mate" David --- who was busily engaged in a very intimate act with Miss two-piece!

They're At It Again!

A new season of the Bonky & David Show has begun. Where will it take us? Over and over the same tired ground? Or onto new heights of merriment? And will the two finally face off this summer on Southern Road? Stay tuned!